So, I’m utterly fed up with Liverpool FC, and by extension football. So I quit. I’m no longer a Liverpool fan. But I love sport, and I need to direct the energy somewhere, so I’ve come up with an idea.
Basically, I’ve been emailing teams in other sports around the world, explaining my plight, my (perhaps exaggerated) qualities as a fan, and asking if they would like me to support their team. Now I’m sitting back and waiting for replies. Here is what I sent out:
Subject: I could be your new diehard fan!
From: Richard Jones
Sent: 13 January 2010 12:34:11
Greetings,
My name is Richie, and I humbly offer my services as your newest diehard fan.
Allow me to explain. I have been a fan of Liverpool Football Club since I was old enough to know what football was. I have loved the team and the club every day since. Until now. I have been concerned for some time about the takeover of the club by Tom Hicks and George Gillett, and the declining performances of the team under manager Rafael Benitez. This week, in the wake of an abusive email to a fellow supporter by Tom Hicks Jr, a member of the board, and the extra time capitulation to Reading in the FA Cup, i’ve finally given up on Liverpool FC, and am hereby tendering my resignation as a fan. While some part of me will always love the club, I resent being seen as a cash cow by the club, who have loaded LFC with debt, to the detriment of the team.
Therefore, being done with both LFC and football, I am on the lookout for another team to love – and you could be it. I have many good qualities:
- I’m loyal (provided you don’t sell out to a bunch of cowboys and consistently trample on my dreams with scorn and impunity).
- I’m articulate – I prefer to rebuff opposition fans through wit, and therefore defuse trouble, rather than cause it, and act as a sophisticated representative of the team.
- I’m keen – I bring much enthusiasm to my role as fan.
- I buy lots of merchandise, no matter how gaudy (I have both the ecru and canary yellow LFC away strips – that’s loyalty).
- I’m on the rebound.
So what do you say? I’m casting my net wide, so why should I be your new biggest fan? Think about it – you won’t regret having a fan like me.
Kind regards,
Richie
So there you have it. After it went I worried I sounded slightly psychotic, but it’s too late now. So far I’ve sent this to all the teams in UK basketball, ice hockey, rugby and cricket. In the states, i’ve sent it to the NFL and Major League Baseball. Over the coming days it will be going to the NHL, NBA, Aussie Rules, Kabbadi, and whatever other teams I can find – as I said in the email, I’m casting the net wide.
Remember – LFC brought this on themselves. They didn’t know what they had when they had me, and now I’m gone! Now it’s their turn to cry!
January 19, 2010 at 5:00 pm |
Excellent.
January 19, 2010 at 5:51 pm |
Best of luck in your quest. Word of advise, steer clear of NFL, it’s hopelessly boring. Ice Hockey, give it a chance.
January 19, 2010 at 10:13 pm |
I’d seriously recommend you give Aussie Rules a go. The sport’s exciting to watch, the players really give it the proverbial 110%, the fans are really passionate and, best of all, you can just turn up to a game and buy a ticket on the day! Just like football in the 1980′s….It’s also really cheap to get in, it’ll cost around AU$22 which is roughly 12 GBP and kids with their parents can get in for AU$2 which is less than one pound!
I moved over here around 5 years ago, and have got into it big time. If you want to follow football, you can always try Melbourne Victory, starring one-time villain, now local hero, Kevin Muscat.
January 20, 2010 at 1:50 am |
Hey dude. I hope you’re not neglecting Rugby League?!
Both back in the UK where it’s like watching football when it was real, men were men, the sponges were magic, you could drink beer on the TERRACES and the fans mingle in good old fashioned stadia in the rain.
Or indeed the NRL here in Oz which is much the same only with shittier beer, but better looking cheerleeders and fab weather.
January 20, 2010 at 3:20 am |
Andy forgot to mention they also wear really tight shorts in Aussie rules. Not sure what that is all about as those “blokes” are supposed to be tough. Maybe at heart, they all want to be signed up as Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.
January 20, 2010 at 2:17 pm |
I wholeheartedly recommend the both Gaelic football and hurling as your next sources of crushing depression. Hurling has to be seen to be believed. IT HAS TO BE SEEN TO BE BELIEVED! Watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZvXU-6rVKw…it’s just ridiculous.
Gaelic football is almost as good. My team, Dublin are rubbish, but here’s hoping 2010 will produce something spectacular with our still newish manager. If you like laughing at once-proud teams like Dublin losing, then watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yeude2fn-4I, or this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLCHBMsP_Wk, or this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekUgE1NgWdY&feature=related, etc. and so on.
Depressing, depressing sh!t.
January 20, 2010 at 2:20 pm |
That hurling goal again
January 20, 2010 at 3:13 pm |
Your only here to watch the Leeds
January 20, 2010 at 8:49 pm |
What about some cricket BCCI style?
Those with Far Too Much Time and Money on Their Hands (aka Bolllywood film stars, major industrialists and their wives) in India like to spend the summer months throwing money around on over priced cricketers who dressed in delightfully blinding colours (black and gold, pale pink and grey etc) play for a series of teams with increasingly cringeworthy names in what is described as the Indian Premier League.
There are Eastern European cheerleaders with very little on who get leered and propositioned by the fine upstanding local populace, if the cricket gets too dull you can turn your attention to the executive boxes full of film star owners who sometimes to get things going hang glide into the middle of the pitch only for faulty machinery to get them stuck mid descent and you could even watch some cricket with teams like the Kolkota Knight Riders (yes you’ve not read that wrong) going up against the Royal Challengers (owned by Vijay Mallya the owner of er Royal Challenge Whiskey or perhaps you’d prefer the Delhi Daredevils, the Pujab Kings XI or even the Mumbai Indians :S) under the blazing Indian Summer sun.
There is also the added excitement of having the entire tournament shipped to other exotic locales like S. Africa, in the years when the govt feels they will be unable to provide enough police security at venues, where you can then hang around in the pavillions and drink free beer.
You could also weigh in on the Annual Noodle Straps On Blouses of Female Presenters Debate – For or Against. For if you are fashion forward and/or you know male in the 0 – 100 age group, against if you’re a disapproving moralist or religious extremist. Nothing unites the subcontinents religions like the outrageos sighting of a noodle strap or mini skirt.
Oh the heat stroke, the self flagellation, the increasingly hilarious news coverage, the rioting, backstabbing, bickering, bitchslapping and that’s just the drama on the pitch. Wouldn’t you like to join the mayhem?
January 21, 2010 at 5:43 am |
I’ll second Andy’s endorsement of aussie rules.
All AFL clubs are owned by their members/season ticket holders & can democratically dump incompetent club directors, & all have plenty of tatty merchandise to squander your hard earned on.
As to which club to pledge your allegiance;
Fremantle – it’s only 14470 km to Perth from your place, so they’re probably the closest. Share Liverpool’s maritime heritage & 20 years of conspicuous failure.
Gold Coast – 17th AFL club joining in 2011. Get in on the ground floor. Wear predominately red & gold so could recycle taht Reds scarf.
January 22, 2010 at 3:04 am |
Keith, if you’ve faced the sight of Warwick Capper in all his glory (go on, Google some images), then you have nothing else to be afraid of. He’s one person who actually made it all the way to Dallas!
What Vern says is also spot-on, another reason to like them (paart from the tatty merchandise). One note of caution. If you do decide on AFL, don’t support Collingwood. They’re often described as ‘the Manchester United of AFL’.